I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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