I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
