I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
