oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Girls should come with a carfax report
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Randomize
