my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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