i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed