You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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