I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Randomize
