I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
