My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
