You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
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