When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
