she woke up with a sticky ear
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
