He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Randomize
