Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
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