I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
