Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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