I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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