So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
