Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
