i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
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I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
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When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
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