Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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