Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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