you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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