My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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