My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
