if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
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Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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