have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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