sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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