it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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