He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Rumble strips road head = magical
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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