the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
