Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
