Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Let's paint friendship bongs
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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