New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
