At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
