i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
