they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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