Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
please don't ironically join a cult
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