the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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