Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
