I met the friendliest cop last night
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
