Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
