We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
