you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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