OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
