his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
