im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
