My underwear smells like fireworks.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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