I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
