I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
