Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
