the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
