my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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