omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
