the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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