Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
