My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize