I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I have aggressive nipples.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
